I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes