I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
This makes total sense…
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD