@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.
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@thebeavs: When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then
@dumbbeezie: Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says "Say goodbye to your family"
@bazecraze: The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.