I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.