I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Why am I like this?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot