I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.