One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.