@TySmithdrums: "I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE," I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
@TheRobCee: "I need a car. What do you have?" "Well, we have a Subaru Outback" "But what kind of Subaru?" "Outback" "I don't CARE where you keep it..."
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
@MikeOdenthal: Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I'm ok never handling a firearm.