8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.