I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.