I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
But wait…
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Phonetics
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.