@mindintheshadow: I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken
@celestinelea90: Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene
@jsteele3966: People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text "LOL" should be punched in the neck. Your not fooling anybody. You weren't LOLing that long.
@PAT_E_ROCK: Girl: So, how many inches is it? Pat: How many inches is what? G: You know.. P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long. G: OMG, It's so big!