[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
meow
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it