@mindintheshadow: I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
@aka_fatman: It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.
@DirtMcTurd: Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter