“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Twitter fine art
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes