@karencreets: I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
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@caribdonna: My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you're half right.
@AndyAsAdjective: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
@TheRealNickKay: [MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released "Be True to Your School" but I wasn't taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.