I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?