As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
ok this is my dumbest yet
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*