@sarah1mc: I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
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@plantandmineral: today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle
@TylerComeOn: I parked in the "C" section of the parking lot. So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets