“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.