I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.