@farleftcoast: I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.
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@imdaintyaf: What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me.
@iwearaonesie: Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again Don't trip again - me running up the stairs
@tastefactory: [on date] ME: I'll have a steak WAITER: How would u like that cooked? ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
@callie_cakes: PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.