I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby