I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Jesus Christ lmao
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.