I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Roses are red
Violets are blue…