I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*