My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Note to self: always read the final line
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.