Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.