@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
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@Parkerlawyer: I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
@LizHackett: ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home. DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
@10InchesPlus: A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.