@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
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@junejuly12: Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
@therealeatwood: [Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Some guy called me a siren. It's like he doesn't even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
@TheTweetOfGod: Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.