@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
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@ShrinkMedia: If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
@AmishPornStar1: "Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
@13spencer: After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.
@Reverend_Scott: [Shop class] Satan: Whatcha makin'? God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making? Satan: A bong.