@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
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@hazelmotes1: When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: I'm far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
@abbycohenwl: [sees old lady drop $20] Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash! Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!