@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
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@bea_ker: My waterslide technique has been described as 'oafish', 'dangerous' and 'how did you get into the penguin enclosure'.
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
@iFluff8: Men ask us if we're naked when we tell them we're taking a bath. THAT'S why they pay more for their car insurance.
@TheAlexNevil: *me, at high school prom Me: So, you wanna dance? Her: Definitely! M: Can you tell me why?