@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
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@donni: MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
@CamusOverEasy: If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.