@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
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@hammbone84: MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
@jaslakhmna: My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed... I put his bed in the kitchen...
@DaddyJew: Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
@KevinFarzad: Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.