I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Xylophonist Shredding It
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.