I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS