I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”