@hamersauce: i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@huntigula: [at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@raydevito: If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive