I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Always…
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.