@abbycohenwl: I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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@Moemontes: My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he's talking about my wallet.
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen
@onelongbender: My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.