@abbycohenwl: I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iLikeCatShirts: Dealer: Anyone follow you dude? Me: just my cat *dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out* Mom: why are you using drugs???
@jonnysun: whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse. The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
@KylePlantEmoji: Me: "authenticity" is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas Domino's guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am