Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Genius idea!!
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
BaD BoY!!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah