I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
become ungovernable
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.