I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
plant them where lol
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6