Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.