@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
@causticbob: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."
@CornOnTheGoblin: [God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what'd i do last night? [sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
@lifecoachfit: I'm not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours. Shhhhh. Stop crying.