my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
i smell a pulitzer
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.