@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
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@_TayTayJustine: How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool
@MommaUnfiltered: It's so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus. They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
@JessObsess: I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.