@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
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@QwertyJones3: HER: I'll only agree to do nudity if it's done tastefully PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
@onion_an: [at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. "Octopi" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.