I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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🤣🤣🤣
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Thank you corporation very cool
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
tourist season
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers