I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.