“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over