I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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Me recordaron éste meme
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I really had high hopes for this year though
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.