massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!