I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze