me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
jesus christ confetti not now
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop