I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.