I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My blood type is coffee.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )