I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
buys donuts instead
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.