@KrunkedRobot: I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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@CoreyNotKori: My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
@OtherDanOBrien: *Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you