I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.