8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail