I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.