@RobertPunchur: I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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@Bob_Janke: *on walkie-talkies Them: you don't have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
@midnightwhale: [walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@3sunzzz: My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.