I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
It be like that sometimes 😆
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.