I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I put the hot in psychotic.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.