I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me redecorating every room in my mind
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.