@sucittaM: I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
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@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.
@Shock_Monster: It's been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: "Just be myself."
@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
@ANNIEwayyyy: Every since my Grandma discovered Netflix she’s been calling me w/ suggestions like “ok write this down, it’s called Friends, F-R-I-E-.....”