I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Autocorrect is my menesis
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.