@BlondeFacade: I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's.
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@GreenishDuck: You're on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words "Boxers with pockets," you say. "You'll never have to wear pants."
@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom] Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream* Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.
@marcia_bee: Note to self: "rubber" in the US does NOT mean "eraser". Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!
@PetrickSara: [Married Pillow Talk] Husband: Tell me what you want.. Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.