My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
this has to be peak English
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.